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Sunday, January 11, 2004

Rules for Men's Gifts

Rule #1: When in doubt -- buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if
he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 of them, and he has yet
to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.

For that matter any power tool is a good choice. He may not need it, or
know what it does, but it will look good hung on the peg board in the

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the
word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey
George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with
my 3/8-inch socket yet?"

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car.
A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from
his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties and never buy men
bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have
invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have
worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with
the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips,
and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will
sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or
deodorant. We do not stink -- we are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks.
Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on
the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr
Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.
(NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's

It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "(From NAPA Auto, eh?
Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane?
Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will

Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the
gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a professional sports game (any team within 300
miles) are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A
Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."

Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain
saw. If you don' t know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he
gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder.

Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins,
or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8"
manila rope.

Rule #16: Clamps. Men can never have enough quick grip clamps. No one
knows why.

Rule #17: Buy your man Duct Tape. This is a man's most universal repair tool.
All men know, if you can't fix it, duct it.

posted by Gary  # 1/11/2004 03:46:00 PM
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