Humor & Story BLOG

Humor & Stories To Make Your Day

Friday, April 23, 2004

Bad Line?

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again but had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."

At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."

The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"

"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.

The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly."

The father says, "Oh, good. You send him the money!"

posted by Gary  # 4/23/2004 09:00:00 AM (0) comments
Sunday, April 11, 2004

What Did You Wish To Say?

Pythagorean theorem : 24 Words

The Lord's Prayer : 66 Words

Archimedes' Principle : 67 Words

The 10 Commandments : 179 Words

The Gettysburg Address : 286 Words

The Declaration of Independence : 1,300 Words

The U. S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage : 26,911 Words

posted by Gary  # 4/11/2004 12:14:00 PM (0) comments
Saturday, April 10, 2004

Everything is relative...

The police recently busted a man selling 'secret formula' tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

posted by Gary  # 4/10/2004 07:50:00 PM (0) comments
Wednesday, April 07, 2004

FORGOTTEN HISTORY

This is worth remembering, because it is true. It's familiar territory, but those of you that graduated from school after the early 60's were probably never taught this. Our courts have seen to that!

Did you know that 52 of the 55 signers of "The Declaration of Independence" were orthodox, deeply committed, Christians? That they all believed in the Bible as the divine truth, the God of scripture, and His personal intervention. It is the same Congress that formed the American Bible Society, immediately after creating the Declaration of Independence, the Continental Congress voted to purchase and import 20,000 copies of Scripture for the people of this nation.

Patrick Henry, who is called the firebrand of the American Revolution, is still remembered for his words, "Give me liberty or give me death"; but in current textbooks, the context of these words is omitted. Here is what he actually said: "An appeal to arms and the God of hosts is all that is left us. But we shall not fight our battle alone. There is a just God that presides over the destinies of nations. The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone. Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it Almighty God. I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death."

These sentences have been erased from our textbooks. Was Patrick Henry a Christian? The following year, 1776, he wrote this: "It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great Nation was founded not by religionists, but by Christians; not on religions, but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For that reason alone, people of other faiths have been afforded freedom of worship here."

Consider these words that Thomas Jefferson wrote in the front of his well-worn Bible: "I am a real Christian, that is to say, a disciple of the doctrines of Jesus. I have little doubt that our whole country will soon be rallied to the unity of our creator." He was also the chairman of the American Bible Society, which he considered his highest and most important role.

On July 4, 1821, President Adams said, "The highest glory of the American Revolution was this: "It connected in one indissoluble bond the principles of civil government with the principles of Christianity."

Calvin Coolidge, our 30th President of the United States reaffirmed this truth when he wrote, "The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country."

In 1782, the United States Congress voted this resolution: "The Congress of the United States recommends and approves the Holy Bible for use in all schools."

William Holmes McGuffey is the author of the McGuffey Reader, which was used for over 100 years in our public schools with over 125 million copies sold until it was stopped in 1963. President Lincoln called him the "Schoolmaster of the Nation." Listen to these words of Mr. McGuffey: "The Christian religion is the religion of our country. From it are derived our nation, on the character of God, on the great moral Governor of the universe. On its doctrines are founded the peculiarities of our free Institutions. From no source has the author drawn more conspicuously than from the sacred Scriptures. From all these extracts from the Bible, I make no apology."

Of the first 108 universities founded in America, 106 were distinctly Christian, including the first, Harvard University, chartered in 1636. In the original Harvard Student Handbook, rule number 1 was that students seeking entrance must know Latin and Greek so that they could study the Scriptures: "Let every student be plainly instructed and earnestly pressed to consider well, the main end of his life and studies, is, to know God and Jesus Christ, which is eternal life, John 17:3; and therefore to lay Jesus Christ as the only foundation for our children to follow the moral principles of the Ten Commandments."

James Madison, the primary author of the Constitution of the United States, said this: "We have staked the whole future of all our political constitutions upon the capacity of each of ourselves to govern ourselves according to the moral principles of the Ten Commandments."

Today, we are asking God to bless America. But, how can He bless a Nation that has departed so far from Him? Prior to September 11, He was not welcome in America. Most of what you read in this article has been erased from our textbooks. Revisionists have rewritten history to remove the truth about our country's Christian roots.

You are encouraged to share with others, so that the truth of our nation's history will be told. John 3:16. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life!

This information shared is only a drop of cement to help secure a foundation that is crumbling daily in a losing war that most of the country doesn't even know is raging on, in, and around them...

Please do your bit and share this with as many as possible and make the ill-informed aware of what they once had.

posted by Gary  # 4/07/2004 10:10:00 PM (0) comments

SO THERE!

The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other librarian we had could write."

posted by Gary  # 4/07/2004 09:16:00 AM (0) comments
Saturday, April 03, 2004

One Liners?

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

12. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

17. Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.

another version, seen as a bumper sticker in Los Angeles: Dont' stop honking, I'm still reloading.

18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

21. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?

25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

30. Shin: A device for finding furniture.

31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

posted by Gary  # 4/03/2004 11:42:00 AM (0) comments
Friday, April 02, 2004

Thirsty?

In the doctors office two patients are talking.

"You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake."

"A sponge!" exclaims the other. "And do you feel much pain"

"No pain at all," says the first, "but do I get thirsty!"

posted by Gary  # 4/02/2004 09:53:00 AM (0) comments
Thursday, April 01, 2004

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.

posted by Gary  # 4/01/2004 08:50:00 PM (0) comments

Light Bulb Insanity

THE QUESTION: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

THE ANSWER: 1,331

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for; leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

posted by Gary  # 4/01/2004 08:46:00 PM (0) comments

Jewish Cooking Returns

Remember how your grandmother used to cook? Where is that cooking now? I'm talking about the lack of good old, down-home Jewish cooking in our homes. I am taking it upon myself to help out all you frantic housewives out there, with wonderful menus that will lead your children to a healthy, happy, and loving family unit as I knew it in my childhood.

First, go down to Filene's basement, buy a housecoat (shmata), and wear it all day, every day. Then go out and buy a live chicken. Carry it wrapped in a newspaper to the shoichet (slaughterer) who will ritually slaughter it before your very eyes. When you get it home, flick your chicken and make sure you don't leave in any pinchus (feather ends). Next, go out and buy a four-foot-long carp with huge whiskers. Fill your bathtub with water and let the fish swim in it for several days. In the meantime, roll up your burbur broadloom, and remove it from the living room. Polish the hardwood floors and cover them in newspaper. Cover your couch in clear plastic, or floral slip covers. And don't let anyone in your living room again ....unless they are 'company.' Now you're a real "BALABUSTA," which is a term of respect used for an efficient Jewish housewife. The essence of your universe is in the kitchen.

So get out your wooden matches, light the pilot light, get out the volgar holtz (wooden bowl), hock the tzibbeles (onions) and knubble (garlic), and we're Jewish again. Before we start, however, there are some variations in ingredients because of the various types of Jewish tastes (Polack, Litvack and Gallicianer). Just as we Jews have six seasons of the year (winter, spring, summer, fall, the slack season, and the busy season), we all focus on a main ingredient which, unfortunately, and undeservedly, has disappeared from our diet. I'm talking, of course, about SCHMALTZ (chicken fat). SCHMALTZ has for centuries been the prime ingredient in almost every Jewish dish, and I feel it's time to revive it to its rightful place in our homes. (I have plans to distribute it in a green glass Gucci bottle with a label clearly saying: low fat, no cholesterol, Newman's Choice, extra virgin SCHMALTZ. (It can't miss!)

Let's start, of course, with the "forshpeiz" (appetizer). Gehockteh leiber (chopped liver) with SCHMALTZ is always good, but how about something more exotic for your dear ones, like boiled whitefish in yoyech (soup) which sets into a jelly form, or "gefilteh miltz" (stuffed spleen), in which the veins are removed, thank God, and it is fried in, you guessed it, SCHMALTZ, bread crumbs, eggs, onions, salt and pepper? Love it! How about stewed lingen (lungs) - very chewy - or gehenen (brains) - very slimy. Am I making your mouth water yet? Then there are greebenes - pieces of chicken skin, deep fried in SCHMALTZ, onions and salt until crispy brown (Jewish bacon). This makes a great appetizer for the next cardiologist's convention. Another favorite, and I'm sure your children will love it, is pe'tcha (jellied calves feet). Simply chop up some cows' feet with your hockmesser (handl-chopper), add some meat, onions, lots of garlic, SCHMALTZ again, salt and pepper, cook for five hours and let it sit overnight. You might want to serve it with oat bran and bananas for an interesting breakfast (just joking). There's also a nice chicken fricassee (stew) using the heart, gorgle (neck), pipick (a great delicacy given to the favorite child, usually me), a fleegle (wing) or two, some ayelech (little premature eggs) and other various chicken innards, in a broth of SCHMALTZ, water, paprika, etc. We also have knishes (filled dough) and the eternal question "Will that be liver, beef or potatoes or all three?" Other time-tested favorites are kishkeh, and its poor cousin, helzel (chicken or goose neck). Kishkeh is the gut of the cow, bought by the foot at the Kosher butcher. It is turned inside out, scalded and scraped. One end is sewn up and a mixture of flour, SCHMALTZ, onions, eggs, salt, pepper, etc. is spooned into the open end and squished down until it is full. The other end is sewn and the whole thing is boiled. Yummy! My personal all-time favorite is watching my Zaida (grandpa) munch on boiled chicken feet. Try that on the kinderlach (children) tomorrow.

For our next course, we always had chicken soup with pieces of yellow-white, rubbery chicken skin floating in a greasy sea of lokshen (noodles), farfel (broken bits of matzah), arbiss (chickpeas), lima beans, pietrishkeh, tzibbeles (onions), mondlech (soup nuts), kneidlach (dumplings), kasha, (groats) kliskelech and marech (marrow bones).

The main course, as I recall, was either boiled chicken, flanken, kackletten (hockfleish-chopped meat), and sometimes rib steaks which were served either well done, burned or cremated. Occasionally we had barbecued liver done to a burned and hardened perfection in our own coal furnace. Since we couldn't have milk with our meat meals, beverages consisted of cheap pop (Kik, Dominion Dry, seltzer in the spritz bottles) or a glezel tay (glass of hot tea) served in a yohrtzeit (memorial candle) glass and sucked through a sugar cube held between the incisors. Desserts were probably the only things not made with SCHMALTZ, so we never had any. Momma never learned how to make Schmaltz Jello.

Well, now you know the secret of how I've grown up to be so tall, sinewy, slim and trim, energetic, extremely clever and modest, and, if you want your children to grow up to be like me, you're in gohnsen meshuggah (completely nuts)!

ZEI MIR GEZUNT (Go in good health)...and order out Chinese.

posted by Gary  # 4/01/2004 08:44:00 PM (0) comments

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