Humor & Story BLOG
Humor & Stories To Make Your Day
Sunday, March 28, 2004
25 things you should have learned by the time you have reached middle age.
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
An Old Preacher.......
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his taxman and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the taxman and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
The Truth About Cats
"Never try to out-stubborn a cat." -- Lazarus Long
"Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren't like this. A dog's idea of personal grooming is to roll on a dead fish." -- James Gorman
"Meow is like aloha -- it can mean anything." -- Hank Ketchum
"There is no cat 'language.' Painful as it is for us to admit, they don't need one." -- Barbara Holland
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." -- Mark Twain
"Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat." -- Mark Twain
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." -- Dave Platt
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." -- Jeff Valdez
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." -- Ellen Perry Berkeley
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." -- Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." -- Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -- Joseph Wood Krutch
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." -- Missy Dizick
Billy Graham is "on the road" again…
Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Billy took the wheel.
Billy turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rear view mirror. He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.
When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in."
The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.
"I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do." The chief replied, "Who is it, not Teddy Kennedy again?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."
"It isn't Governor Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important," replied the trooper.
"It isn't the President George W. Bush, is it?"
"No," replied the trooper, "even more important."
"Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded: "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"
======= Quote of the day =======
"Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
SOME GIFTS YOU KEEP
Some things you keep; like good teeth, warm coats, bald husbands & chubby wives. They're good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime that to throw them away would make the garbage man a thief. So you hang on to the older gifts, because something old is sometimes better than something new.
Here are my thoughts, they make me sound old, old and tame and dull. This at a time when everybody else is frisky and racy and flashing ~~~ that's new and improved in their lives. Things like; new spouses, new careers, new thighs, new lips. The world is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I don't think I want to. I grew up in the fifties with practical parents; a mother, God bless her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, and then reused it, and still would if she were still alive. A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.
They weren't poor, my parents, they were just satisfied. Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, fifties couples in Bermuda shorts and Banlon sweaters, lawnmower in one hand, tools in the other. The tools were for fixing things; a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, the screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things you keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy with that re-fixing, reheating, renewing. I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant there'd always be 'more'.
But then my mother died, and on that clear spring night, in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any 'more'. Sometimes what you care about most gets … used up and goes away, never to return. So while you have it, it's best to love it and care for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick. That's true for marriage, friends, old cars, and children with bad report cards, brothers and sisters, dogs with bad hips, and aging parents. You keep them because they're worth it, and because you're worth it.
Sometimes the best gifts are the old ones that you have already received. Receive the old gifts again, by looking around and appreciating your life, the people and the things in it, for they are the true gifts of life.
A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from people in managerial positions:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
The early bird still has to eat worms.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
True Globalization . . .
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by an Armenian,
using Bill Gates' technology,
and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,
that use Taiwanese-made chips,
and a Korean-made monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
trucked by Mexican illegals,
and finally sold to you by Nicaraguans.
That, my friend, is Globalization!
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
More reminders of “You know you've been drinking too much coffee when...”
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You just completed another sweater... and you don't know how to knit!
You answer the door before people knock.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
You ski uphill.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
You name your dog "Valdez"
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You lick your coffeepot clean!
Saturday, March 20, 2004
The Helpful Truckdriver
There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state
zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks
down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the
driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new
truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file
behind him. The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks,
"What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"
The new truck driver responds, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had
enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."
Friday, March 19, 2004
These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
Monday, March 15, 2004
How's your dieting?
Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."
Saturday, March 13, 2004
Bubba Knows Everybody
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone
there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You
and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among
all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure
enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's
side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,
'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?
Friday, March 12, 2004
High School Reunion
My wife and I were at my high school reunion.
As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."
She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the only one who has to."
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Do you play golf?
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you five grand!"
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
Sunday, March 07, 2004
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One
bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking
at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible
and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree
that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the
boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With
astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he
moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he
moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before
jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the
third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will
he hurt us?"
Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his
big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of
the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how
you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No,
how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite
knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother
by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the
King James Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take
the covers off the neighbor's wife."
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from
the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she
carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead
us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the
aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the
crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step,
step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can
imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he
reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more
distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and
said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the
morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense
of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked
the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just
before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to
the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
Subject: Fwd: It Hurts To Love Someone And Not Be Loved In Return...
It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return,
but what is more painful is to love someone
and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people
before meeting the right one
so that when we finally meet the right person,
we will know how to begrateful for that gift.
Love is when you take away the feeling,
the passion, and the romance in a relationship
and find out you still care for that person.
A sad thing in life is when you meet someone
who means a lot to you, only to find out
in the end that it was never meant to be
and you just have to let go.
The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch
and swing with, never say a word,
and then walk away feeling like it was the
best conversation you've ever had.
It's true the we don't know what we've got until we lose it,
but it's also true that we don't know
what we've been missing until it arrives.
Giving someone all your love
is never assurance that they'll love you back!
Don't expect love in return;
just wait for it to grow in their heart
but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.
There are things you'd love to hear
that you would never hear from the person
whom you would like to hear them from,
but don't be so deaf as not to hear it
from the one who says it from his heart.
Never say good-bye if you still want to try-
never give up if you still feel you can go on-
never say you don't love a person anymore if you can't let go.
Love comes to those who still hope
although they've been disappointed,
There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them
from your dreams and hug them for real!
Hope you dream of that special someone.
Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things you want to do.
Always put yourself in others' shoes.
If you feel that it hurts you,
it probably hurts the person too.
A careless word may kindle strife;
a cruel word may wreck a life;
a timely word may level stress;
a loving word may heal and bless.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Happiness lies for those who cry,
those who hurt, those who have searched,
and those who have tried,
for only they can appreciate the importance
of people who have touched their lives.
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss,
and ends with a tear.
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past,
you can't go on well in life
until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die,
you're the one who is smiling
and everyone around you is crying.
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan.
I've learned that if someone says something
unkind about me,
I must live so that no one will believe it.
I've learned that you can make some one's day
by simply sending them a little note.
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt,
the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
I've learned that no matter what happens,
or how bad it seems today, life does go on,
and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she
handles these three things:
a rainy day,
lost luggage, and
tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life
with a catcher's mitt on both hands.
You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
But if you focus on your family, your friends,
the needs of others, your work and doing the very
best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I
usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains,
I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch -
holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about.
Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile. :-)
And it is always better when you smile.
THE TURKEY SHOT OUT OF THE OVEN
(Sung to "My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean")
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped!
World's Easiest Quiz (or is it?)
Answers at the bottom.
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
. . . . .
1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever
be called Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
The Rise and Fall of Casual Day
Memo Week 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo Week 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo Week 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo Week 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo Week 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo Week 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo Week 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
Revenge On AT&T
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested",but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother and...
OFFICIAL BABY BOOMER QUALIFYING EXAM
Name the Beatles - both the first and last name of each, of course. Consider this a warm-up.
[If you can't answer this one without thinking, close up the test,
and move on to something else. We have nothing further to discuss.]
Finish the line: "Lions and tigers and bears, ____ _____!"
Admittedly, this came along before we boomers were born. But we
remember it from both the movies and the boob tube.
"Hey kids, what time is it?" ______ _________ ________ ________.
What do M&M's do? _____ ___ ______ ________, _____ _______ _______.
What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? _________ _________.
Long before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew
him as _________ _________.
"You'll wonder where the yellow went, _____ ____ ______ _____ ______
Those post-baby boomers, or baby boomer wannabes, know Bob Denver as
the Skipper's "little buddy." But we true boomers know that Bob Denver
is actually Dobie's closest friend, _____________ G. _____________.
M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? _________ ___ ______ _______."
Definition: A "streaker" is someone who might go running through the
lobby of the girls' dormitory ______________.
"Brylcream: ___ ________ _______ _______ ______ _______."
Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone ________ ____.
From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line:
"I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; _______ _______ ____ _______
And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War...uh-huh,
huh...yea; what is it good for? ___________ ____________."
This is from a kinder and gentler protest song, but the question is
just as profound: Where have all the flowers gone? Perhaps you
could use a little help here:
"Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing? Where have all
the flowers gone? ____ ______ _____ _______ _____ ______ ____."
Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending
battle for truth, justice, and ____ _______________ _______.
He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best
quarterbacks in the history of the NFL and later went on to appear
in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway
"I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to
the finish, ______ __ _____ ___ _______. I'm Popeye the sailor man."
Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by
Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by
In the movie, The Graduate, young Benjamin, played by Dustin Hoffman
was counseled about his future, and told to consider one thing:
In another movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a
ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads
of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after
an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by
Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other
prisoners, and explained, "What we have here, ____ ___ ___________
In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a
race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics.
"Just think, you won't have ________ ____________ to kick around
"Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six
foot, six, weighted 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at
the hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, ___ ____ _______."
"I found my thrill, _____ ____________ __________________." You may
remember Riche Cunningham singing this. But if you are a true boomer,
you know it was Fats Domino who made this line famous.
"Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ___________ ____ ____." This originated
long before even the first of us boomers was born. But in order to
be a true baby boomer, you have to have some breadth.
"Good night, David." "_________ _________,__________."
"Liar, liar, ______ ___ _____."
"When it's least expected, you're elected; You're the star today.
Smile! _______ ___ _______ _______."
From our parents' day, as I recall, it was Pogo, the comic strip
character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ____ ____ _____."
Who put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop?
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
* To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.
* He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
* If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.
* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
* The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
* A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
* When the going gets tough, upgrade.
* When you need to send an email quick, that's when the modem won't connect!
STRICT, UNBENDING RULES FOR DEALING WITH STRAY CATS
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high- impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non- allergenic lamb's wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l o9jmdskdm,.USING IT.
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom.
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
Moishe, a Jewish actor, is so down and out he's ready to take any
acting gig that he can find. Finally he gets a lead, a classified ad
that says: "Actor needed to play ape."
"I could do that," says Moishe.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the local zoo.
Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating
the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford
to import the ape they needed to replace their recently deceased one.
So until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit.
Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer.
At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being
dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. And Moishe feels undignified in
the ape-suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move.
But after a few days on the job, he begins to be amused by all the
attention, and starts to put on a show for the zoo-goers: hanging
upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the
vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might
whilst beating his chest.
Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when Moishe is swinging on the vines to show off to a group
of school kids, his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence
into the neighboring cage, the lion's den.
Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he
can, covers his eyes with his paws, and prays at the top of his lungs,
"Shma Yisrael Adonai Elokeinu Ad-nai Echad!"
The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars the response,
"Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuto L'olam Va'ed!"
From a nearby cage, a panda yells,
"Shut up, you schmucks. You'll get us all fired!!!"
"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady. She then turned to a second woman and asked, "How far does your family go back?"
"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in the flood."
Friday, March 05, 2004
AEROBICS FOR SENIORS
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said:
What goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."
Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs 2,000 dollars."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
How I Met My Wife
by Jack Winter Published July 25, 1994 in The New Yorker
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very
chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate. I was furling
my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a
corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her
hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones
about it since I was traveling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess,
whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be
skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only
swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward
and heard-of behavior would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might
cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that
someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or
a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone
you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent
reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make
heads and tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado,
and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen.
Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated
as if this were something I was great shakes at, and forgot that I had
succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a
terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through
the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to
prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for
remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of
the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about
Five Steps to a Healthy Diet
The Federal Drug and Food Administration is planning to issue a guide for proper eating that advises you to:
A. List your ten favorite foods.
B. List your five favorite beverages.
C. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little trees.
D. List water.
E. Avoid A & B; eat only C; drink only D
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded
to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn,
a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could
see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Momma Heidi pushed
and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic
lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor
began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
the first place. Smack him again."
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