CHURCH HUMOR

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One
bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking
at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible
and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree
that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the
boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With
astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he
moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he
moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before
jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the
third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will
he hurt us?"

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Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his
big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of
the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're
hushers."

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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how
you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No,
how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite
knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother
by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the
King James Virgin?"

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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take
the covers off the neighbor's wife."

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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from
the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she
carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead
us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the
aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the
crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step,
step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can
imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he
reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more
distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and
said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

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One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the
morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense
of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked
the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just
before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to
the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

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And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

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Subject: Fwd: It Hurts To Love Someone And Not Be Loved In Return...

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return,
but what is more painful is to love someone
and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people
before meeting the right one
so that when we finally meet the right person,
we will know how to begrateful for that gift.

Love is when you take away the feeling,
the passion, and the romance in a relationship
and find out you still care for that person.

A sad thing in life is when you meet someone
who means a lot to you, only to find out
in the end that it was never meant to be
and you just have to let go.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch
and swing with, never say a word,
and then walk away feeling like it was the
best conversation you've ever had.
It's true the we don't know what we've got until we lose it,
but it's also true that we don't know
what we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love
is never assurance that they'll love you back!
Don't expect love in return;
just wait for it to grow in their heart
but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.
There are things you'd love to hear
that you would never hear from the person
whom you would like to hear them from,
but don't be so deaf as not to hear it
from the one who says it from his heart.

Never say good-bye if you still want to try-
never give up if you still feel you can go on-
never say you don't love a person anymore if you can't let go.

Love comes to those who still hope
although they've been disappointed,
There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them
from your dreams and hug them for real!
Hope you dream of that special someone.
Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

Always put yourself in others' shoes.
If you feel that it hurts you,
it probably hurts the person too.
A careless word may kindle strife;
a cruel word may wreck a life;
a timely word may level stress;
a loving word may heal and bless.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Happiness lies for those who cry,
those who hurt, those who have searched,
and those who have tried,
for only they can appreciate the importance
of people who have touched their lives.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss,
and ends with a tear.
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past,
you can't go on well in life
until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die,
you're the one who is smiling
and everyone around you is crying.

####

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan.
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I've learned that if someone says something
unkind about me,
I must live so that no one will believe it.

I've learned that you can make some one's day
by simply sending them a little note.

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt,
the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.

I've learned that no matter what happens,
or how bad it seems today, life does go on,
and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she
handles these three things:
a rainy day,
lost luggage, and
tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a
"life".

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life
with a catcher's mitt on both hands.
You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
But if you focus on your family, your friends,
the needs of others, your work and doing the very
best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I
usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains,
I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch -
holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about.
Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile. :-)

And it is always better when you smile.