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Monday, June 28, 2004

A Century Makes a Difference

The year was 1904..
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1904:
Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!

The year is 1904.one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1904:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.

With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.

According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
... And I copied this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years .... i

posted by Gary  # 6/28/2004 07:03:00 PM (0) comments

THE PERKS OF BEING 50+

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first

3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.

4. People call at 9 P.M. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't
remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20. You can't remember who sent you this list

posted by Gary  # 6/28/2004 10:41:00 AM (0) comments
Saturday, June 19, 2004

Happy Father's Day!

Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?

5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh, don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)

posted by Gary  # 6/19/2004 11:26:00 AM (0) comments
Thursday, June 17, 2004

Why you shouldn't lie!

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Chemistry and all of them had an A so far.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final, they would explain to their professor why they missed it.

They said that they visited friends but on the way back, had a flat tire As a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. He placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth five points.

Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this is going to be easy.

Then turned the page.

On the second page was written:

For 95 points: Which tire?

posted by Gary  # 6/17/2004 11:43:00 AM (0) comments
Wednesday, June 16, 2004

MEN'S SPEECH PATTERNS

1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. "Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer and there's no peanut butter left.

4. "It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you
have no chance at all of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, Doris, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the football over the vacuum cleaner.

10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?

11. "Love, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. "It's really a good film."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and women.

14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of Only Fools and Horses,
the address of the first girl I kissed, and the plate number of every car I've
ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: what did you catch me at?

18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: she refused to make my coffee.

19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake
it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.

20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper on the cover of Man and Motors.

23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of
toilet paper.

24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my car.

26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

posted by Gary  # 6/16/2004 11:46:00 PM (0) comments

A Neat Story

It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls,
career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across
the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy
life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend
with those important to him. He was working on his future, and nothing
could stop him.
 
Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The
funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old
newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.
 
"Jack, did you hear me?"
 
"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of
him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.
 
"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were
doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over "his side of
the fence" as he put it," Mom told him.
 
"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.
 
"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr.Belser stepped in to make
sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.
 
"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this
business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me
things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack
said.
 
As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his
hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no
children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.
 
The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to
see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack
paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a
leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered.
Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack
stopped suddenly.
 
"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.
 
"The box is gone," he said.
 
"What box? " Mom asked.
 
"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I
must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell
me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said.
 
It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered
it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had
taken it.
 
"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better
get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."
 
It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from
work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required
on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within
the next three days," the note read.
 
Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was
difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention."Mr.
Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open
the package.
 
There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he
read the note inside. "Upon my death, please forward this box and its
contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A
small key was taped to the letter.. His heart racing, as tears filling
his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a
beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely
etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words
engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser." "The thing he
valued most...was...my time."
 
Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and
cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant
asked. "I need some time to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the
way, Janet...thanks for your time!"
 
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"

posted by Gary  # 6/16/2004 10:18:00 PM (0) comments

How Old Are You?

A DJ was introducing a record. "This next one," he said, "is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte, congratulations on a ripe old age!"

There was a short pause and then the DJ said in a somewhat more subdued voice,

"I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill."

posted by Gary  # 6/16/2004 10:15:00 PM (0) comments
Thursday, June 10, 2004

Tickets?

Three Kiwis and three Aussies were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies each bought tickets and watched as the three Kiwis bought only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket," asked an Aussie?

"Watch and you'll see," answered the Kiwis. They all boarded the train.

The Aussies took their respective seats but all three Kiwis crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets.

He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please!" The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The Aussies saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Aussies decided to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket
for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed
Aussie.

"Watch and you'll see," answered one of the Kiwis.

When they boarded the train the three Aussies crammed into a toilet and the three Kiwis crammed into another one nearby.

The train departed.

Immediately afterward (before the conductor made his rounds), one
of the Kiwis left his toilet and walked over to the toilet where
the Aussies were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said: "Ticket, please..."

posted by Gary  # 6/10/2004 11:51:00 PM (0) comments

Tickets?

Three Kiwis and three Aussies were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies each bought tickets and watched as the three Kiwis bought only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket," asked an Aussie?

"Watch and you'll see," answered the Kiwis. They all boarded the train.

The Aussies took their respective seats but all three Kiwis crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets.

He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please!" The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The Aussies saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Aussies decided to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket
for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed
Aussie.

"Watch and you'll see," answered one of the Kiwis.

When they boarded the train the three Aussies crammed into a toilet and the three Kiwis crammed into another one nearby.

The train departed.

Immediately afterward (before the conductor made his rounds), one
of the Kiwis left his toilet and walked over to the toilet where
the Aussies were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said: "Ticket, please..."

posted by Gary  # 6/10/2004 11:51:00 PM (0) comments
Sunday, June 06, 2004

A Secret

In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog.

The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.

"I can't do that!" the lady said. "The sweater is going to be a surprise!"

posted by Gary  # 6/06/2004 12:38:00 PM (0) comments
Saturday, June 05, 2004

Yum, yum...

Howard came home from work one evening and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud.

"What's the matter, darling?" he asked her.

"I just don't know what to do," said Miriam. "Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner - but the dog has just eaten it."

"Don't worry," said Howard, "I'll get us another dog."

posted by Gary  # 6/05/2004 01:19:00 PM (0) comments
Friday, June 04, 2004

7 Deadly Sins

"There are seven deadly sins in the world -- Wealth without Works, Pleasure without Conscience, Knowledge without Character, Commerce without Morality, Science without Humanity, Worship without Sacrifice, and Politics without Principle." --Mahatma Gandhi

posted by Gary  # 6/04/2004 10:22:00 AM (0) comments

Here’s one reason why we must have a “peace offering” ready:

I guy had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

posted by Gary  # 6/04/2004 09:56:00 AM (0) comments

On The Chalkboard At The Local Starbucks...

Experience is a difficult teacher. She gives the test first and the lesson afterwards.

posted by Gary  # 6/04/2004 09:24:00 AM (0) comments
Thursday, June 03, 2004

Ooops!

Several American nurses were training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. These nurses had little money for meals, so they ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex, and sometimes kindly visitors would give them some of the treats they had brought for patients who had not wanted to eat them.

One night a woman brought a pie to the kitchen and said to one of the nurses, "Would you eat this up, love?" So she and another American student nurse devoured every delicious crumb!

Soon the woman returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"

posted by Gary  # 6/03/2004 04:48:00 PM (0) comments
Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Duh...

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of humor editors, and his host naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The editor thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

posted by Gary  # 6/01/2004 03:48:00 PM (0) comments

Sewing Tip

A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"

posted by Gary  # 6/01/2004 03:47:00 PM (0) comments

My Illness

Thought I'd let my doctor check me,
'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .
All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn't sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest.
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad.
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.
What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is OLD AGE

posted by Gary  # 6/01/2004 03:44:00 PM (0) comments

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