Humor & Story BLOG

Humor & Stories To Make Your Day

Sunday, February 29, 2004

Never Say Die...

The doctor had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his friends and family started toward their cars.

However, they stopped because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard from the grave.

As the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said, "It's nothing... just his beeper."

posted by Gary  # 2/29/2004 12:24:00 PM (0) comments
Thursday, February 26, 2004

Our Flag

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

posted by Gary  # 2/26/2004 10:28:00 AM (0) comments
Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Just Pretend

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat.

Still, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So, one day, out on the lake he said to his wife, "Honey, take the wheel. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So, she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it.

Later, that evening, the wife walked into the livingroom, where her husband was reading a novel. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Honey, go into the kitchen. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

posted by Gary  # 2/25/2004 11:07:00 PM (0) comments
Sunday, February 22, 2004

T-Bone Steaks, Roses and Friendship

Here's to T-bone steaks, yellow roses and friendship. READ THIS!!!! and then
reread it. Especially the last part...

I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying
groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of 7 years was
still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.

He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and look
for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot him walking
down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands. He knew I loved
yellow roses.

With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave,
but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on.

Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two.
Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered
how he had loved his steak.

Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft
green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large pack of T-bones, dropped
them in her basket, hesitated, and then put them back..

She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks. She saw me
watching her and she smiled. "My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at
these prices, I don't know." I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met
her pale blue eyes. "My husband passed away eight days ago," I told her.

Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my
voice. "Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together."

She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the
package in her basket and wheeled away.

I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy
products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should buy.

Quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, I
could always fix myself an ice cream cone. I placed the ice cream in my cart
and looked down the aisle toward the front.

I saw first the green suit, and then recognized the pretty lady coming
towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the brightest
smile I had ever seen. I would swear a soft halo encircled her blonde hair
as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine. As she came closer, I
saw what she held and tears began misting in my eyes.

"These are for you," she said and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow
roses in my arms. "When you go through the line, they will know these are
paid for..." She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then
smiled again.

I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable
to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision.

I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wrapping
and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the answer seemed so
clear. I wasn't alone. Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered,
with tears in my eyes. He was still with me, and she was his angel.

Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are.

(Please read all of this, it is really nice)

This is a simple request. If you appreciate life, send this to your friends,
including the person that sent it to you.

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings. Thank you,
Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.

Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as
possible. Thank you, Lord, that I can see. Many are blind.

Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising. Thank you, Lord, that I
have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.

Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast
is burned and tempers are short, my children are so loud. Thank you Lord,
for my family. There are many who are lonely.

Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in magazines
and the menu is at times unbalanced. Thank you, Lord, for the food we have.
There are many who are hungry.

Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous. Thank you Lord, for
the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.

Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my
circumstances were not so modest. Thank you Lord, for life.

Pass this on to the friends you know. It might help a bit to make this world
a better place to live, right? A friend is someone we turn to when our
spirits need a lift. A friend is someone to treasure.

For friendship is a gift. A friend is someone who fills our lives with
Beauty, Joy and Grace and makes the world we live in a better and happier
place.

posted by Gary  # 2/22/2004 09:26:00 PM (0) comments

Family Complications

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!

posted by Gary  # 2/22/2004 08:46:00 PM (0) comments

More kids' views about men and women

How Does A Person Decide Who To Marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
Kally, age 9

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Allan, age 10

How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6

What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?

"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8

How to Make a Marriage Work

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!"
Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it."
Lori, age 8

Getting Married for a Second Time

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one."
Angie L., age 10

How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8

posted by Gary  # 2/22/2004 08:44:00 PM (0) comments

TRUE STORIES FROM THE BUTTERBALL Turkey Hotline

Where people call to get advice
How to cook a Turkey from the experts

* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called to
find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer
the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the
bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still
running around outside."

* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't
Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California
wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu

* Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough
for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get
any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


The Computer WAS under warranty......

The following is a true story, reported by Bill Stebbins

In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a
dead PowerBook. Fault description: hangs on startup. An
additional symptom provided was: whilst being carried from
the customer's site to our service center, a 'sloshing'
noise was heard within the machine.

"Has anything been split on this computer?" I inquired, but
no, nothing of the sort had happened, protested the client
vehemently. Taking this with a grain of salt (no one's going
to admit doing something that totally invalidates their
warranty and effectively wrecks their computer) I went about
filling in the repair order.

Back on the bench, I started the PowerBook up. Sure enough,
an address error on startup, just after 'Welcome to
Macintosh'. I lowered my ear to the keyboard, at which point
I heard a crackling noise (couldn't hear any sloshing noise
though) and became aware of a rather 'sharp' odor which
seemed to emanate from the inside of the machine. Flicking
the computer off and unplugging the adapter, I removed the
battery from its compartment, only to observe that the
entire battery casing was soaked in a fluid which appear to
have a rainbow-like sheen (kind of like what a puddle of
soapy water would look like -- oily and colorful). I also
noticed that the same fluid was leaking out of the battery
compartment onto the static mat, but appeared clear rather
than multi-colored. My first thoughts were that the battery
had somehow leaked acid out into the guts of the PowerBook,
which would account for the sharp smell (which reminded me
of ammonia), yet the battery terminals were about the one
part of the battery that was dry. No, upon closer
examination, I ruled the acid theory out. The battery was
wet, but not leaking.

Tipping the machine on its side, I watched more fluid run
out and coagulate on the bench in a puddle about the size of
a compact disc. It was definitely clear, and I observed that
the 'rainbow' effect had been caused by the reaction of the
plastic battery casing to this 'mystery liquid'. I then
unscrewed the computer and separated the two parts of the
PowerBook. The smell suddenly became a LOT stronger. The
hard disk looked like a solid lump of rust, and the
daughterboard appeared to have about three barbecued chips.
Although I was quickly forming my own opinions on what had
happened, I invited several of my workmates in to take a
sniff and offer an opinion.

We were unanimous in our decision. I rang the customer, who
seemed surprised when I asked the question: "Do you have a
cat?" As it turned out, he didn't have a cat, but he did
have a lovely fluffy bunny rabbit who was seen in the
vicinity of the PowerBook only the day before. Yes, there
was no doubt about it, little fluffy had hopped up onto the
keyboard and downloaded some incompatible data. I checked
the warranty form, but there was no provision for failure
due to rabbit urine anywhere.

I advised the customer to get in touch with his insurance
company. In the end, the PowerBook was biffed and the
customer upgraded. I cleaned up the static mat and sprayed
the service department with a healthy dosage of "Fresh Field
of Flowers." I checked in with the customer about a week
later, asked how was he enjoying the new PowerBook, asked if
he'd managed to restore his data, and, of course, asked how
was his rabbit?

"Delicious," he said.

posted by Gary  # 2/22/2004 08:31:00 PM (0) comments

COMMENTS BY GRAMMAR SCHOOL STUDENTS ON MUSIC

REFRAIN means "Don't do it". A refrain in music is the part you better not play.

A virtuoso is somebody with real high morals.

Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was rather large.

Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is, but I'd rather not say.

I know our school orchestra is the best in the whole state, -of course, I may be a bit pregnant.

Pianissimo is a spare word for when you cannot think how to say shh.

Tempo is how fast people are playing when they can no longer be measured in miles per hour.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Gregory (or the Gregorian chant) lived from 540 to 604, but I forget whether it was A.C. or D.C.

My favorite composer is Opus. My very-best liked piece is the Bronze Lullaby.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then, someone heard his voice and said it would go a long way, so he came to america.

Copland is one of our most famous conductors and contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers don't live until they are dead.

posted by Gary  # 2/22/2004 08:27:00 PM (0) comments

How To Attend a Meeting

To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes
helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any
duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a
new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer
"long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty
much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until
retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work.

There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:

1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
2. Going to meetings.

Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving
primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because
that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good
to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get
a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of
people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you
learn how to attend meetings.

The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In
those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for
Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was,
Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur
and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope,
only nobody knew this).

At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some
brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our
prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in
a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.

But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not
produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving.

The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right
near the top of their "agenda". At this point, the women, who
were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus
modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened
without meetings.

The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared
with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people
who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be
somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have
a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a
meeting.

An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another
meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie, "Night of the
Living Dead," you have a rough idea of how modern meetings
operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were
killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back
into meetings and eat the brains of the living.

There are two major kinds of meetings:

1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason
that Arbor Day is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a
lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's
Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind
account for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I
wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This
type of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery
school, with everyone getting to say something, the difference
being that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to
say.

When it's your turn, you should say that you're still
working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This
may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on
whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if you
weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing
for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person
running the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still
working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise
your hand." You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing
for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is,
it's how they do it in Japan.

2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are
trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is.

Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show
slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All
you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have
elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and
throw it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in
which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right
hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: "Norm?"

Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it
will plague Norm for the rest of his career).

But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your
"input" on something. This is very serious because what it
means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it is
turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so
you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to
asking you anything. One way is to set fire to your tie.

Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and
announce that you have a phone call from someone very important,
such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be
one or the other. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said,
"You have a call from the president of the company, or the Pope."

You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow
legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice.

Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts
talking; when he does, look at him with an expression of
enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of
life itself. Then write interlocking rectangles like this:

(picture of doodled rectangles).

If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something
like this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of
the boss).

If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave
the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the
street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he
wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is
very, very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try
it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you're
getting yourself into." Then they should file quietly out of the
room.

posted by Gary  # 2/22/2004 08:24:00 PM (0) comments

More Children's Wisdom

The Following are all Quotes from 11yr old Students' Science Exams:

**"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

**"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

**"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

**"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

**"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

**"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

**"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

**" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader

**"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

**"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

**"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

**"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."

**"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

**"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

**"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

**"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

**"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." **"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

**"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."

**"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

**"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

**"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

**"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

**"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

**"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

**"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

**"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

**"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there **is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

**"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

**"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

**"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

posted by Gary  # 2/22/2004 06:47:00 PM (0) comments

Cute...

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

####

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

####

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"

####

A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen".

posted by Gary  # 2/22/2004 06:41:00 PM (0) comments

Out of the mouths of...

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog... math.

If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than... the pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.

A penny saved is... not much.

Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.

posted by Gary  # 2/22/2004 06:36:00 PM (0) comments

Bread Is On The Rise

I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.


In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Please pass this on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

Remember: Think idiotically, act globally!

posted by Gary  # 2/22/2004 06:24:00 PM (0) comments

Immigration Humor

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Jens Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Jens Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Jens Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Jens Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Jens Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say, 'Sam Ting.'"

posted by Gary  # 2/22/2004 06:18:00 PM (0) comments
Saturday, February 21, 2004

The Limo Driver

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five."

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there? The Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver. "

posted by Gary  # 2/21/2004 07:19:00 PM (0) comments

A Paul Harvey story

Here is a true story by Paul Harvey. Pass it to anyone who you think
would find it interesting and inspiring. You will be surprised who this
young man turned out to be. (Do not look at the bottom of this letter
until you have read it fully.)

Years ago a hardworking man took his family from New York State to
Australia to take advantage of a work opportunity there. Part of this
man's family was a handsome young son who had aspirations of joining
the circus as a trapeze artist or an actor. This young fellow, biding his
time until a circus job or even one as a stagehand came along, worked
at the local shipyards that bordered on the worse section of town.

Walking home from work one evening this young man was attacked by five
thugs who wanted to rob him. Instead of just giving up his money the
young fellow resisted. However they bested him easily and proceeded to
beat him to a pulp. They kicked his face with their boots, and kicked
and beat his body brutally with clubs, leaving him for dead.

When the police happened to find him lying in the road they assumed he
was dead and called for the Morgue Wagon. On the way to the morgue a
policeman heard him gasp for air, and they immediately took him to the
emergency unit at the hospital.

When he was placed on a gurney a nurse remarked to her horror,
that his young man no longer had a face. Each eye
socket was smashed, his skull, legs, and arms fractured, his nose
literally hanging from his face, all is teeth were gone, and his jaw
was almost completely torn from his skull.

Although his life was spared he spent over a year in the hospital.
When he finally left his body may have healed, but his face was disgusting
to look at. He was no longer the handsome youth that everyone admired.
When the young man started to look for work again he was turned down by
everyone just on account of the way he looked. One potential employer
suggested to him that he join the freak show at the circus as
The Man Who Had No Face".

And he did this for a while. He was still rejected by everyone and no
one wanted to be seen in his company. He had thoughts of suicide. This
went on for five years.

One day he passed a church and sought some solace there. Entering the
church he encountered a priest who had seen him sobbing while kneeling
in a pew. The priest took pity on him and took him to the rectory where
they talked at length.

The priest was impressed with him to such a degree
that he said that he would do everything possible for him that could be
done to restore his dignity and life, if the young man would promise to be
the best Christian he could be, and trust in God's mercy to free him from
his torturous life.

The young man went to Mass and communion every day, and after thanking
God for saving his life, asked God to only give him peace of mind and
the grace to be the best man he could ever be in His eyes.

The priest, through his personal contacts was able to secure the
services of the best plastic surgeon in Australia. There would be no cost to
the young man, as the doctor was the priest's best friend. The doctor too
was so impressed by the young man, whose outlook now on life, even though
he had experienced the worse was filled with good humor and love.

The surgery was a miraculous success. All the best dental work was
also done for him. The young man became everything he promised God he would
be. He was also blessed with a wonderful, beautiful wife, and manychildren,
and success in an industry which would have been the
furthest thing from his mind as a career if not for the goodness of God and the
love of the people who cared for him. This he acknowledges publicly.

The young man was and is Mel Gibson.

His life was the inspiration for his production of the movie "The Man
Without A Face." He is to be admired by all of us as a God fearing
man, a political conservative, and an example to all as a true man of
courage.

And to think I admired him before I knew any of this! He is quite a man!

Paul Harvey

(Wait, one more short one)

I wrote your name on a piece of paper, but by accident I threw it away.

I wrote your name on my hand but it washed away.

I wrote your name in the sand but the waves whisped it away.

I wrote your name in my heart and forever it will stay

posted by Gary  # 2/21/2004 07:12:00 PM (0) comments
Thursday, February 19, 2004

Duh...

A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.

At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training.

When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."

Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."

posted by Gary  # 2/19/2004 03:38:00 PM (0) comments
Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Different "Universal" Laws

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't.
--Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
-- Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle

The most ineffective workers shall be moved systematically to the place where they can do the least damage.
--The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
-- Cannon's Comment

The newer the carpet, the greater the likelihood that the bread will land jelly side down.
-- Law of Inevitable Consequences

posted by Gary  # 2/18/2004 10:26:00 PM (0) comments
Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Old Women's Poem

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was felt that she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem.

Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet. Goes to show that we all leave "SOME footprints in time".....

An Old Lady's Poem

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten ... with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman ... and nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years ... all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
Not a crabby old woman; look closer ... see ME!!

...Remember this poem when you next meet an old
person who you might brush aside without looking
at the young soul within ......

We will one day be there, too!

posted by Gary  # 2/11/2004 11:39:00 PM (0) comments
Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Kids' Kitchen Terms

BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

DESSERT: The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.

FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

SODA POP: Shake 'N Spray.

TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument.

posted by Gary  # 2/10/2004 09:25:00 AM (0) comments
Monday, February 09, 2004

Cost versus Reliability

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At the computer expo (COMDEX, and who knows when with these urban legends), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and! reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer.

posted by Gary  # 2/09/2004 07:44:00 PM (0) comments

Over 30

People over 30 should be dead by now.

Here's why ............

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, .. and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks
we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because
we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!! Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us.

Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors!

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them!

Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good !!!!!

People under 30 are WIMPS!

posted by Gary  # 2/09/2004 01:53:00 PM (0) comments
Wednesday, February 04, 2004

That's Education!

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

posted by Gary  # 2/04/2004 04:00:00 PM (0) comments
Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Something to think about...

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not," he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"

posted by Gary  # 2/03/2004 05:52:00 PM (0) comments
Monday, February 02, 2004

Be Aware Of This Bug!

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

If I sent this to you previously it's because the virus has taken over!!

posted by Gary  # 2/02/2004 03:09:00 PM (0) comments
Sunday, February 01, 2004

A Story

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside. "Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.

Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young man in the Marine Corps uniform standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand.. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.

The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit alongside the bed. Nights are long in hospitals - but all through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength.

Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest a while. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital-- the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.

Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son's hand all through the night.

Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.

Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her. "That's not necessary... Who was that man?" he asked.

The nurse was startled, "He was your father" she answered.

"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."

"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"

"I knew right away that there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, and I knew how much he needed me. So I stayed."

The Moral: The next time God gives you an opportunity ... be there. Stay. You'll be glad you did.

posted by Gary  # 2/01/2004 01:55:00 PM (0) comments

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