A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing? " She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak." The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days? " She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called".
Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Jew were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution.
They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. "Give me some good French wine and french bread," he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Next it was the Italian's turn. "Give me a big plate of pasta," said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Now it was the Jew's turn. "I want a big bowl of strawberries," said the Jew.
"Strawberries!!! They aren't even in season! "No, so I'll wait...."
A shaddchan (matchmaker) corners a yeshiva bochur and says "Do I have a girl for you!".
"Not interested", replies the bochur.
"But she is beautiful!"
"Yeah?" says the bochur.
"Yes. And she's very rich too."
"And she has great yichus (ancestry)! From a very fine family."
"Sounds great." says the bochur. "But why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to be crazy."
Replies the shaddchan "Well, you can't have everything!".
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his friend and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said. "it's named for Frederick Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really?" I've never heard of him. What did he write? "
Mr. Rabinowicz goes to the doctor for a check up. After extensive tests the doctor tells him "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."
Mr. Rabinowicz is dumbstruck. After a while he replies "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill."
"Ok" says the doctor, "I'll give you a year to live."
The first Jewish President is elected. He calls his mother: "Mama, I've won the elections. You've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear? "
"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."
"But I only eat kosher food."
"Mama, I am going to be the president. I can get you kosher food."
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send you a limo. Just come mama."
"Ok, ok, if it makes you happy."
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the future Cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right.
"You see that boy, the one giving the speech? ... His brother's a doctor!"