I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
* Lily Tomlin
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
* Lily Tomlin
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
* George Carlin
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
* Carol Leifer
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be aught dead in otherwise.
* Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
* Dave Edison
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
* Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
* A. Whitney Brown
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
* Dave Barry
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
* Paula Poundstone
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
* Rita Rudner
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, OMG....I could be eating a slow learner.
* Lynda Montgomery
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
* Jerry Seinfeld
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
* Richard Jeni