Quotes

If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours. --Clarence Day

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing, when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. --Robert Frost

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. --Sam Levenson

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. --David Letterman

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. --Douglas Adams

This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. --Al Capone

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.--Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you! --Tommy Smothers

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. --Jackie Mason

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?--Jean Cocturan

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. --Jerry Seinfeld

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. --Michael Landon

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. --Wendell Johnson

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.--Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz

The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing. --Gamel Abdel Nasser

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. --Aldous Huxley

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. -- Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

Put another way: You can always spot a well informed man - his views are the same as yours. -- Ilka Chase