Fractured Bible Stories

Bible Stories Retold by Young Scholars around the World. The jewels found below are said to be written by actual students and are "genuine, authentic, and unretouched." Compiled by Richard Lederer, they appear in the 12/31/95 issue of National Review.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve
were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of
Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman
who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson
slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians
were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment
was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is
to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou
shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached
Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The
greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700
porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived,
they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had
an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water
on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live
by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead
and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The
epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was
St. Matthew who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only
one spouse. This is called monotony.