Humor & Story BLOG

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Sunday, December 28, 2003

Helpful Housekeeping Hints...

Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful
filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF
factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from
the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband
points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused
and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?" (I just throw glitter on them
& call them holiday decorations).

Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways
by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn
play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts
in winter).

Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into
one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy
home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl, and say, "I'd love
you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are
SO expensive."

Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn
on the coffee table and insist, "This is where Grandma wanted us to
scatter her ashes."

Painting: Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty
wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as
you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident, and
I haven't had the heart to clean it."

General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner
with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave
dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look,
throw yourself on the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean, and I still
don't get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie
pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a
bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works
every time.

If the house is clean, the computer has crashed

posted by Gary  # 12/28/2003 02:05:00 PM
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