Jewish Telegram

"Begin Worrying. Details to Follow!"

Jewish Humor

A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing? " She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak." The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days? " She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called".

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Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Jew were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution.

They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. "Give me some good French wine and french bread," he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

Next it was the Italian's turn. "Give me a big plate of pasta," said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

Now it was the Jew's turn. "I want a big bowl of strawberries," said the Jew.

"Strawberries!!! They aren't even in season! "No, so I'll wait...."

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A shaddchan (matchmaker) corners a yeshiva bochur and says "Do I have a girl for you!".

"Not interested", replies the bochur.

"But she is beautiful!"

"Yeah?" says the bochur.

"Yes. And she's very rich too."

"Really? "

"And she has great yichus (ancestry)! From a very fine family."

"Sounds great." says the bochur. "But why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to be crazy."

Replies the shaddchan "Well, you can't have everything!".

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An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his friend and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

"No," his friend said. "it's named for Frederick Mann, from Philadelphia."

"Really?" I've never heard of him. What did he write? "

"A check."

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Mr. Rabinowicz goes to the doctor for a check up. After extensive tests the doctor tells him "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."

Mr. Rabinowicz is dumbstruck. After a while he replies "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill."

"Ok" says the doctor, "I'll give you a year to live."

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The first Jewish President is elected. He calls his mother: "Mama, I've won the elections. You've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear? "

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."

"But I only eat kosher food."

"Mama, I am going to be the president. I can get you kosher food."

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send you a limo. Just come mama."

"Ok, ok, if it makes you happy."

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the future Cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right.

"You see that boy, the one giving the speech? ... His brother's a doctor!"

Test For The Kiddies

Match each item in list A with an item in List B:

List A

1. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

2. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

3. Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

4. Neophyte's serendipity.

5. A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.

7. Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

8. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

9. Freedom from incrustations of crime is contiguous to rectitude.

10. It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lacteal fluid.

12. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.

13. The stylus is more potent than the rapier.

14. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

15. Surveillance should precede saltation.

16. Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim. (not a proverb)

17. The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

18. Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.

19. Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrious projectiles.

20. Where there are visible vapors having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

List B

A. Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

B. Beauty is only skin-deep.

C. The Pen is Mightier than the Sword.

D. Beggars cannot be choosers.

E. Where there is smoke, there will be fire.

F. Don't cry over Spilt Milk.

G. One who laughs the last, laughs the best.

H. You can't teach an Old Dog new Tricks.

I. Birds of a feather flock together.

J. Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

K. All work and No Play makes Jack a Dull boy.

L. Dead men tell no tales

M. Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child.

N. All that Glitters is not Gold.

O. Those who live Glass Houses should cast no stones.

P. Twinkle twinkle little star

Q. Beginner's luck

R. Look before you leap.

SURVIVAL KIT
A Good Survival Kit for each day.

1. TOOTHPICK...to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.

2. RUBBERBAND...to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.

3. BAND-AID...to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.

4. ERASER...to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn by our errors.

5. CANDY KISS...to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday.

6. MINT...to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family.

7. BUBBLE GUM...to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.

8. PENCIL...to remind you to list your blessings every day.

9. TEA BAG...to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of blessings. This is what makes life worth
living every minute, every day.

Call the KGB

The phone rings at KGB headquarters. They answer:

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. He answers, "Hello."

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."