You Might Be A Network Engineer if...

* At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
* Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
* Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
* In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
* The Salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
* You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
* You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.
* You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
* You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
* You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backward in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
* You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
* You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
* You know what http:// stands for.
* You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
* You see a good design and still have to change it.
* You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
* You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
* You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
* You window shop at Radio Shack.
* You're both in the backseat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
* Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
* Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
* You've already calculated how much you make per second.
* You've have tried to repair a $5 radio.

Psychiatric Carols

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

Dog Humor?

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...because he hated the book!"

Archeology Groaner

After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway,
researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder
god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and of course his
famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his
fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered
with a brilliant red color.

Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both
determined that they should be the one to have their name listed on
the discovery. Pretty soon, a big argument was underway.

The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the
evening. By the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone
else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment. As the crowd
dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said: "Well,
that was a fight for Thor eyes."

The Rabbi's Hat

A Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi.

"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!"

So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.

Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.

"So where's the money?" she asks.

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."

"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!"

"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."