Once a Methodist...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.

This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John; he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic.

They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Methodist, you were raised a Methodist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

Morning Prayer

Good morning! Please join me in a morning prayer.

Albert Schweitzer believes we need to be aware of the sleeping sickness of the soul. He cautions, "As soon as you notice the slightest sign of indifference, the moment you become aware of the loss of a certain seriousness, of longing, of enthusiasm and zest, take it as a warning."

Creator God, the one who gifted us with a number of days to enjoy in this life, help us to remember much of life and its circumstances are given to learn valuable lessons. As this new day unfolds, keep us from indifference, renew our zest and enthusiasm, refresh our hearts and spirits with thankfulness and energy to face the day and all it holds, and remind us that we need to listen to the quiet inner guidance you provide for our well-being. Bless our day now, oh Lord, with these requests that we may learn the beneficial lessons given to us by you for this day.

Amen.

Very Cool Math trick

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. OK, maybe it won't stump you, but it sure did me!

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

A Christmas Story

It's just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past 10 years or so.

It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas---oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it-overspending... the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma---the gifts given in desperation because you couldn't think of anything else.

Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties and so forth. I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way.

Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended; and shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church, mostly black. These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes. As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler's ears.

It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight class. And as each of their boys got up from the mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind of street pride that couldn't acknowledge defeat.

Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, "I wish just one of them could have won," he said.

"They have a lot of potential, but losing like this could take the heart right out of them."

Mike loved kids-all kids-and he knew them, having coached little league football, baseball and lacrosse. That's when the idea for his present came. That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them anonymously to the inner-city church. On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me. His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and in succeeding years. For each Christmas, I followed the tradition---one year sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on.

The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the last thing opened on Christmas morning and our children, ignoring their new toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents.

As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents, but the envelope never lost its allure. The story doesn't end there.

You see, we lost Mike last year due to dreaded cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree, and in the morning, it was joined by three more.

Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed an envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing around the tree with wide-eyed anticipation watching as their fathers take down the envelope.

Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit will always be with us.

Signs...

Sign in a laundromat
Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Sign in a London department store:
Bargain Basement Upstairs

In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Outside a farm:
Horse manure
50p per pre-packed bag
20p do-it-yourself

In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board

On a church door:
This is the Gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (this door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)

English sign in a German cafe:
Mothers, please wash your hans before eating

Outside a secondhand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco:
SMARTS is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome

Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage:
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is

Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness

Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car

Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor

Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons

Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything (please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.