Idiots

Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me."

A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both cost 99 cents.) The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."

Idiots and Geography:
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?

Advice for Idiots:
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety
Handbook for Employees." "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

Idiots in the Neighborhood:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Idiots and Computers:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Idiots In Food Services:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Idiots Do Math:
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

Senility Prayer

God grant me the senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune
to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight
to tell the difference.

How will that help?

On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

A Redneck Church

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if . . .
the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear"

See you at the HILTON

LET'S RETIRE AT THE HILTON (Kudos to the anonymous writer for his logic)

No nursing home for me! I'm checking into the Hilton. With the average cost for a nursing home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Hilton. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves .... $138.77 a day for:

1. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.

2. Laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.

Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5.00 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Hilton will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Hilton there, too. ..the wonderful Hilton Hawaiian Village and Spa.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Hilton will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for?

So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my e-mails to the Hilton!"

Upon telling this story at a dinner with friends and too much red wine, we came up with even more benefits the Hilton provides to retirees:

Most standard rooms have coffeemakers, easy chairs with ottomans, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Hilton's even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free Program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.

If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, in a Hilton you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same.

And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room--your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

I told Stephen Bollenback, CEO of Hilton this story. I'm happy to report that he was positively ecstatic at the idea of us checking in for a year or more at one of their hotels. Stephen said we could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!

See you at the Hilton...and not just for a "Bounce Back Weekend"....but for the rest of our lives!

Happy Retirement!