Some Food For Thought

Apropos the Jewish feast season:

LATKES
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, and eggs. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.

MATZO
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water -- no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.

KASHA VARNISHKAS
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed
this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, God forbid, "An elbow on my table?"

BLINTZES
Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.J. Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer
to crepe Suzette.

KISHKA
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it . In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it . Today we use parchment paper or plastic, and what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.

KREPLACH
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it. BUT you should always save all the little leftovers of your Brisket, roast, etc..........and of course, chop it all up together.......you can put it in your soup or you could brown in the oven, or ????? what ever you want. (sounds like there is a song here
somewhere)

CHOLENT
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!"

GEFILTE FISH
Many years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises small fish balls eaten with horseradish ("chrain") which is
judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces. (Jewish Afrin or Neo-Synephrin) )

BAGELS
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.

Art

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Courtroom Scene

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial--it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room .

With that the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

WARNING!

In light of the rising frequency of human-grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat. Black bear scat is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear scat has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

Interesting Facts

In ancient China, people committed suicide by eating a pound of salt.

For many years after the Battle of Waterloo, dentures know as "Waterloo teeth" were sold throughout Europe. These were actual human teeth extracted from the corpses of soldiers on the Waterloo battlefield. They were especially esteemed among denture wearers because most of them came from young, healthy boys.

Mickey Mouse has only four fingers. Early Mickey Mouses can be distinguished from later ones by the fact that the originals have a pie-shaped section of white in their eyes while the later ones do not.

Andrew Jackson was the first president to ride in a railroad train. The first to use a telephone was James Garfield. Theodore Roosevelt was the first president to ride in an automobile.

For his entire forty-seven years in government, Herbert Hoover turned over each of his Federal salary checks to charity. He had become independently wealthy before entering politics.

Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln, was present at the assassinations of three presidents: his father's, President Garfield's, and President McKinley's. After the last shooting, he refused ever to attend a state affair again.

The first famous western star, Bronco Billy Anderson, who had a bit part in the first western movie ever made (The Great Train Robbery, 1903), was so inept at horseback riding that it took three men to lift him into the saddle.