Signs...

Sign in a laundromat
Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Sign in a London department store:
Bargain Basement Upstairs

In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Outside a farm:
Horse manure
50p per pre-packed bag
20p do-it-yourself

In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board

On a church door:
This is the Gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (this door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)

English sign in a German cafe:
Mothers, please wash your hans before eating

Outside a secondhand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco:
SMARTS is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome

Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage:
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is

Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness

Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car

Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor

Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons

Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything (please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.